A survey was held between 50,000 people and this was voted the #1 joke:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
A girl is riding a bus full of ppl and she has to fart. There is music in the bus so she decides to fart as hard as she can because the music is so loud. As she is leaving she realizes that the music was coming from her ipod.
A girl is riding a bus full of ppl and she has to fart. There is music in the bus so she decides to fart as hard as she can because the music is so loud. As she is leaving she realizes that the music was coming from her ipod.
LOL
that's actually a distorted version of an actual fact someone posted on FML ) the original one was this guy, he was with his family at a restaurant, he needed to fart. the music was loud so he thought it'd be safe, but after farting and seeing people stare at him, he realised the music was in his headphones.
A girl is riding a bus full of ppl and she has to fart. There is music in the bus so she decides to fart as hard as she can because the music is so loud. As she is leaving she realizes that the music was coming from her ipod.
LOL
that's actually a distorted version of an actual fact someone posted on FML ) the original one was this guy, he was with his family at a restaurant, he needed to fart. the music was loud so he thought it'd be safe, but after farting and seeing people stare at him, he realised the music was in his headphones.
Some guy he is. "He realized....."; WTF, he was wearing the damn headphones AND listening to it. Flamboyant display of stupidity. But this is a joke, so
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
A man is walking around a the edge of a swimming pool after closing hours when he sees a woman with no arms and legs crying on the floor. The man asks her "Why are you crying?" and the girl replies, "Noone's ever hugged me before because I have no arms and legs", so he gives her a hug. The next day, the man returns to the pool and sees the girl again, who is crying once more. The man asks her "Why are you crying today?" and she replies "Noone's ever kissed me before because i've got no arms and legs", so the man gives her a big peck on the lips. The next day, the man, yet again sees the girl crying near the swimming pool. The man by this stage is really annoyed, so he asks her "What now?" and she says "Noone's ever had sex with me before because I've got no arms and legs", and the man picks the girl up and throws her into the swimming pool. As he walks away he says "there, now you're fucked".
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
haha np marie write it check this A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Why do we fight for peace but we don't fuck for virginity?
"If you make yourself more than just a man... If you devote yourself to an ideal... You become something else entirely- A Legend."
There are 3 women preapring for a trip to the desert. One of the has blond hair, the other has red hair and the last one has brown hair. The one with red hair says she will bring food and water. The one with brown hair says she will bring the tent. The blond one says she will bring the car door. The other two ask her why she's going to bring a car door and she answers: "Well, when it gets too hot I'll open the window."
PS - i dont know if in your countries this exists but here in Portugal we have lots of jokes related to blond girls... people say that blond girls are dumb... I dont agree with this XD This was only to explain why I mentioned all the hair colours
Comments
Fuck me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.
I've got a good mind to go and ask for my brick back.
I think he is a bit of a Ctrl freak.
Oh yeah, jail.
Since when has this been news?
After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.
and talk to them.
May I suggest Doctor Dolittle?
"That's what I should be doing", I said.
"What, jogging?" she replied.
"No, her."
Via Facebook for iPhone
Tomorrow she's doing the alphabet and, the day after, farmyard animals.
'I want to be something pretty', she said.
Took me a whole fucking tin of white gloss.
...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing Curry's.
EDIT - Its ok I guess.
What, as opposed to walking on water?
Girl: Wanna hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it.
HAHAHA LMAO
A survey was held between 50,000 people and this was voted the #1 joke:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
EDIT - Good one Aaron. Heard it before though.
A girl is riding a bus full of ppl and she has to fart. There is music in the bus so she decides to fart as hard as she can because the music is so loud. As she is leaving she realizes that the music was coming from her ipod.
LOL
the original one was this guy, he was with his family at a restaurant, he needed to fart. the music was loud so he thought it'd be safe, but after farting and seeing people stare at him, he realised the music was in his headphones.
But it's no fun unless you hear me say it...
@Rune lololol
check this
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
and nah, there's no point in writing it, it's not funny at all like that
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Why do we fight for peace but we don't fuck for virginity?
GIFSoup
GIFSoup
The other two ask her why she's going to bring a car door and she answers:
"Well, when it gets too hot I'll open the window."
PS - i dont know if in your countries this exists but here in Portugal we have lots of jokes related to blond girls... people say that blond girls are dumb... I dont agree with this XD This was only to explain why I mentioned all the hair colours
typos -.-